ahhhhhhhh, home at last!!!!!
hmmmm, my birthday is in a month, and I don't know what to do for it.
It's the first time in years that I've actually been excited about it. I actually feel older than 14. not always, but sometimes I just stop and think, wow, I feel old. Or I'll notice that my friends can now drive, or that when I was 14 I saw 18 yr olds doing something taht we're doing and how jealous we were. And I finally think it's something worth celebrating.
So I'm doing so with getting my tattoo, and I want to do something, or go somewhere, like Montreal. But I don't think anyone will have the money, well no one that would go, cause the only one that would would be my sister Jen. And I'd like to go by myself, cause I like doing things by myself, like going to concerts, and downtown, and walks, and stuff. I can actually just have fun doing things by myself. Im weird like that.
But I also want to do something with people. Like go camping, or go to a concert. Or just DO something.
But I have no ideas. None. So someone think of something for me to do. I have a month

I just finished reading a book about Che. It was awesome. Che was a great guy, and I must say that I admire him.

now having said that, moving on. MARCH BREAK!!!!!!!!
march break has now offically started for me
Although I have no plans with anyone to do anything. So get off your high horse and make some plans with me people!!!gezz, ya lazy mutts.
moving on, I hate it when my sister uses the computer before me, because she lowers the chair, forcing me to make the chair go up when I sit on it....
and now im going to go nap, as no one interesting is on line

I am a person of ambition, but little to no motivation. I'd like to do stuff, but it's just easier not to.
I want to be so much, and do so much, and sometimes I actually start making a dent in what I want, but it just ends up falling apart somewhere along the way.
For example, I want to do techincal theater for a living, and I kind of started with it, doing small stupid stuff for the school, and finding out theaters and stuff where I could volunteer in Toronto and stuff, but now, I do nothing, I don't even know if I could do it. I'm interested in a lot of stuff, but thats as far as I go. Im interested, but I do nothing.
Perfect example, Last spring me and my sister bought a very expensive skate board. I would love to learn how to, and I kinda got the riding bit down, I stress kinda! and I can't do any tricks, but I still mess around with it sometimes. thats as far as I've gotten, which is very little.
I want to save my money, I want to learn bass, I want to learn how to skateboard, I want to become good at making jewerly, I want to sing in a band, I want to learn how to do my eye make up properly (don't ask, I always envy people who know how to put eye make up on nicely), I want to strenghten my muscles, I want to learn how to dance, I want to learn other languages, I want to learn how to flirt (again, don't ask, I've never been any good at flirting with people) I want to learn how to write storys, and interesting stuff.
I want to do so much, yet wanting does nothing, I never follow anything through.
I want to be the Jack of all Trades

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I want the world, but I want it handed to me on a silver platter.
I think I want to be confident in what I do, not so that I stand out, but so that I blend in, so that I have confidence when I'm in social situations. I don't want to be the best dancer at a club, so that I stand out, nor do I want to be the worst, so that I stick out even more. I just want to be fairly confident in whatever the situation may pass up.

I think in order for me to sucede more, I need someone there with me.
Like with learning the bass, yes I know a lot of people who simply taught themselves, but I on the other hand, Don't think that that would work for me (and I know, as I have a bass in my possession, yet it never gets played) But when I had my friend teaching me once a week, I did well.
So all in all, I need someone to show me the way. I need structure. Say for instence, to learn skate boarding, have a friend who knows how teach me for a hour or so every saturday morning or something, and I guretee you, I will improve. But without someone there, without some sort of support, I abandon it. And go back to hoping that someday I will wake up incredibly talented in something.

Thats another thing that mystifies me. Most people I know are really talented in something. Either they are good dancers, or artists, or muscians, or writers, or good at drama and acting. They all have something that they excell at. you know, you have the smart friend, the good looking friend, the althetic friend, the artistic friend, they all have something going for them.
I could never figure out what I was. Other than being the weird one. But being weird doesn't pay off. Being weird isn't going to get you a job, its not going to get you in to university. Its not going to get you a boyfriend, or girlfriend. Being weird doesn't seem to get you anywhere or anything in life, other than stares and getting made fun of.
I think this is something that everyone struggles with, while trying to find out who they are, and where they fit in life. But I don't know, I can always seem to find something for everyone else, except for me.
Whats so great about being weird? Sure I joke that I'm never bored, and that at least I'm interesting. But thats just a joke. I'm just like everyone else, I get bored, and I hardly ever feel interesting.
So wheres the silver lining? Where's my cut of the cake? But maybe thats the problem. Maybe I'm expecting too much. Maybe it's the whole though process, the whole ' where's MY part? where's MY reward?' thinking. Maybe I'm not suposed to be great at anything. Maybe I'm just the supporting role. ( oh dear god, its Fifth Business all over again!) It just always seems like everyone has a destined role, a part to play, but it's like someone forgot to write me in, they forgot to give me a destiny, a role.
It's like I'm one of the drifters in a movie or a book. They are there for a brief moment, mentioned maybe once or twice, and suddenly they disapear, never to be heard from again.
Thats me. Thats my part, the drifter. They didn't give me a full personality because I'm never there long enough for anyone to notice or really have a need for a full one. They use the parts of me they need, then I'm off.
So thats me, The drifter, given a quirky personality so that there was a reason, maybe a few laughs, then never heard of again.

I am not complaining. Nor am I whining. I am merely thinking while writing. I am not looking for compliments.

oh boy, skip this post, as it's nothing but me whining...
so I don't really know whats happening with my cat. thier running some tests on her, and now they want over $1300 + for the surgery. so me and my sister have to have $600 for april 11th. but i dont know if its just better to put her down, or not. last time she had this surgery, she was sick for over a month, is it just cruel to put her through it again? as well as she may have other problems, and will end up being a sickly cat. I just don't know. I love my cat, but bah, damn this is hard.

I'm also at a point in my life, where I just want to give up on some stuff. Like getting better, my meds are so damn expensive, and I don't know if they really help, well they do, but I just don't know, if its all worth the effort, having to get blood work done all the time, and having to go to doctors every 2 weeks for more meds, and i just dont know if its worth it. This happened to me with my back. shoulder too, nothing was working and it just gets fustrating and you just don't know if your ever going to get better. Like am I better off my meds, or will that just trigger more depression/anxity and massive mood swings? is it worth my time? Am I wasting everyone elses time (ie. the theapists, the psychologists, the psyhirists) like, I just don't know. Should I just give up and accept that this is the way I am?!? That yes, I have my downs, but I generally know how to avoid having major breakdowns. I'm just so utterly confused, and fustrated I guess.
But it doesnt just apply to medical stuff. like stuff with this guy I like, I havent talked to him in a while, do I just give up, and who cares?
I just don't know whats worth the effort anymore. It doesnt really seem like much is anymore. Oh well, I guess I'll go take a nap (haha thats always worth the effort!!!) and pick up my room so my mum gets off my back .
tralalalallala