finally im starting to write again. with everything that has happened i couldnt bring myself to write cuz i had nothing to say. i was just so shocked and confused. it didnt help that some1 else i knew i lossed that week to cancer, wasnt the greatest streak there. and now theres mad work... with the vain hope that maybe i could take my mind of it only briefly. any way i really wanted to blog last night but then i completely forgot my password and username. how big of an idiot i am. neway i wrote something that relates. its kinda legnthy but good(i think so) nonethe less. the names arent exact but the sentiments are the same. enjoy!
I opened my eyes. My body creaked as it broke through its cloudy veil of sleep and dreams. My eyelids strained to stay open. I sat up and all of a sudden memories flooded my brain like a shadow. It was not a pleasant sensation, it saturated every cell and I suddenly wished I were back in my dreams in that state before consciousness.
The sun was still low in the sky casting light in familiar hazy squares on my wall. She had kept her promise. I sat for a moment to think, to order my reality. I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. The pictures on my wall stared back at me lifeless, the smiles on them seemed so far away. I remembered the conversation, the ‘I’m so sorry’ look in your eyes. I remember I tried to smile, I tried not to open my mouth because I didn't want you to see me cry. You said that things change… I tried to stop thinking.
I walked downstairs and mechanically made myself a bowl of Special K. I studied the cup-like flakes. I tried to concentrate on reading the back of the box: “Look good on your own terms…” is what it read. I stopped reading.
I looked beside me and saw –literally two big brown puppy-dog eyes staring at me. I scratched his head and felt his silky brown ears. I put away my empty bowl and picked up the worn leash that hung on the hook on the wall. Kosmo panted and pranced excitedly at my ankles. I snapped the leash to his collar and walked out the door.
The morning hit me with a wave of freshness. It smelled like sunlight and dew. I could hear sounds of birds. They were not beautiful sounds, but sounds of life and uninhibited vitality. The simplicity and calmness of the air was soothing. I walked purposefully down the cracked asphalt. Bittersweet thoughts of you returned. You –we walked this path before. I let my mind travel backwards and indulged myself in memories. Only the good ones, the ones that made me miss you more, like the way you held the world in your smile. It’s ironic really. About six months ago I got in a car accident. I had a bruise on my hip the size of a grapefruit for weeks. It felt fine if I left it alone but for some strange masochistic reason I had a habit of touching and pushing on it to make sure it still hurt. Every day I would test the pain until one day I forgot and realised it had gone away. Human pain is a love/hate relationship.
I let Kosmo off the leash and he immediately began crashing through the brush of the field beside the road. I walked alongside it and watched his brown tail sporadically flip through the tall grass.
As we walked a bit farther down, the road stopped and to my left was a worn dirt path, through the woods and down to the water. I picked my way down the rocky terrain until I reached the sandy bottom. The ground flattened and stretched out in every direction. The gentle water lapped and caressed the shore. I breathed through my nose deeply, and again more deeply. The sky here reached out forever and I wanted to inhale it, to somehow feel its freedom inside me.
Kosmo quickly broke the morning’s stillness as he crashed into the water. It’s glossy surface shattered like glass for an instant but soon conformed to the foreigner it held. Momentary chaos, then nature shifts, changes and re-orders itself. Smooth ripples stretched out behind him and only his head protruded from the water as he bobbed to and fro along the shore.
I sat down on a piece of dry driftwood and felt the morning sun on my face. It tried to soak in, but I rejected it still. All I could do was sit there, empty. Still I thought of you. I played back our encounters in my head, trying to find the glitch in the Matrix, the place where I should have known something had gone askew. My mind was plagued with “I should have”s. If only… I wouldn’t have to feel this now. I continued to wallow in self-pity. I think that sometimes I would rather be the tragic hero in my own movie than be happy. My life is crashing down around me –or is it just the special effects and theme music? I sit on my log and try to look winsome as I stare into the distance.
I looked and saw Kosmo, his back paws shuffling backwards as he tried desperately to dislodge a large stick that the water had so skilfully stuck between two rocks. He finally managed to pull it out and then proceeded to triumphantly carry his prey over to where I was sitting. He let it tumble at my feet and looked up at me expectantly. I picked up the muddy mess and heaved it out as far out into the water as I could. I sat back down. I looked out at the ocean and it shone back in an iridescent turquoise shimmer. The sky’s colour had intensified also and its full blue contrasted the few white cotton cloudlets scattered throughout the sky. Kosmo and stick pranced through the water in a happy sopping heap and then collapsed into the wet sand to chew.
I forgot myself in the equation for a moment. It was as if somehow the earth had paused, for on its axis in a place where space and time unite and for a brief moment one can think of nothing except the sheer perfection of the world and everything in it. The overwhelming beauty of it all left me breathless and for an instant at least, I realised that there was a world beyond your smile.
I opened my eyes. My body creaked as it broke through its cloudy veil of sleep and dreams. My eyelids strained to stay open. I sat up and all of a sudden memories flooded my brain like a shadow. It was not a pleasant sensation, it saturated every cell and I suddenly wished I were back in my dreams in that state before consciousness.
The sun was still low in the sky casting light in familiar hazy squares on my wall. She had kept her promise. I sat for a moment to think, to order my reality. I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. The pictures on my wall stared back at me lifeless, the smiles on them seemed so far away. I remembered the conversation, the ‘I’m so sorry’ look in your eyes. I remember I tried to smile, I tried not to open my mouth because I didn't want you to see me cry. You said that things change… I tried to stop thinking.
I walked downstairs and mechanically made myself a bowl of Special K. I studied the cup-like flakes. I tried to concentrate on reading the back of the box: “Look good on your own terms…” is what it read. I stopped reading.
I looked beside me and saw –literally two big brown puppy-dog eyes staring at me. I scratched his head and felt his silky brown ears. I put away my empty bowl and picked up the worn leash that hung on the hook on the wall. Kosmo panted and pranced excitedly at my ankles. I snapped the leash to his collar and walked out the door.
The morning hit me with a wave of freshness. It smelled like sunlight and dew. I could hear sounds of birds. They were not beautiful sounds, but sounds of life and uninhibited vitality. The simplicity and calmness of the air was soothing. I walked purposefully down the cracked asphalt. Bittersweet thoughts of you returned. You –we walked this path before. I let my mind travel backwards and indulged myself in memories. Only the good ones, the ones that made me miss you more, like the way you held the world in your smile. It’s ironic really. About six months ago I got in a car accident. I had a bruise on my hip the size of a grapefruit for weeks. It felt fine if I left it alone but for some strange masochistic reason I had a habit of touching and pushing on it to make sure it still hurt. Every day I would test the pain until one day I forgot and realised it had gone away. Human pain is a love/hate relationship.
I let Kosmo off the leash and he immediately began crashing through the brush of the field beside the road. I walked alongside it and watched his brown tail sporadically flip through the tall grass.
As we walked a bit farther down, the road stopped and to my left was a worn dirt path, through the woods and down to the water. I picked my way down the rocky terrain until I reached the sandy bottom. The ground flattened and stretched out in every direction. The gentle water lapped and caressed the shore. I breathed through my nose deeply, and again more deeply. The sky here reached out forever and I wanted to inhale it, to somehow feel its freedom inside me.
Kosmo quickly broke the morning’s stillness as he crashed into the water. It’s glossy surface shattered like glass for an instant but soon conformed to the foreigner it held. Momentary chaos, then nature shifts, changes and re-orders itself. Smooth ripples stretched out behind him and only his head protruded from the water as he bobbed to and fro along the shore.
I sat down on a piece of dry driftwood and felt the morning sun on my face. It tried to soak in, but I rejected it still. All I could do was sit there, empty. Still I thought of you. I played back our encounters in my head, trying to find the glitch in the Matrix, the place where I should have known something had gone askew. My mind was plagued with “I should have”s. If only… I wouldn’t have to feel this now. I continued to wallow in self-pity. I think that sometimes I would rather be the tragic hero in my own movie than be happy. My life is crashing down around me –or is it just the special effects and theme music? I sit on my log and try to look winsome as I stare into the distance.
I looked and saw Kosmo, his back paws shuffling backwards as he tried desperately to dislodge a large stick that the water had so skilfully stuck between two rocks. He finally managed to pull it out and then proceeded to triumphantly carry his prey over to where I was sitting. He let it tumble at my feet and looked up at me expectantly. I picked up the muddy mess and heaved it out as far out into the water as I could. I sat back down. I looked out at the ocean and it shone back in an iridescent turquoise shimmer. The sky’s colour had intensified also and its full blue contrasted the few white cotton cloudlets scattered throughout the sky. Kosmo and stick pranced through the water in a happy sopping heap and then collapsed into the wet sand to chew.
I forgot myself in the equation for a moment. It was as if somehow the earth had paused, for on its axis in a place where space and time unite and for a brief moment one can think of nothing except the sheer perfection of the world and everything in it. The overwhelming beauty of it all left me breathless and for an instant at least, I realised that there was a world beyond your smile.
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