fuck everything. fuck it. I dont fucking care anymore. Why wont everything just stop. just freeze. fuck this. why am I so fucked up? why arent my meds working? why is my hair falling out? why the hell do I keep fucking up? why dont I know what i want? why cant i just be fucking happy? why is my life controlled by fucking pills. 2 in the morning, 1 in the after noon, 3 1/2 at night. yellow, white, purple. im so sick of it. why cant i just be normal. why cant i disapear. why cant I fake it to believe it? why is it the fucking holidays?!? everything gets worse at the fucking holifays. why am I a coldhearted bitch? why do i suddenly start crying? why am I crying now?~!? why dont I ever know? why cant I just stick to one goddamn thing. why do i put myself through half the crap I do? why cant I keep my act together? just as I start getting things undercontrol and I think im starting to get better. after I worked so goddamn hard to be happy. why am I not?!? its not like I dont try. why cant I sleep all day? or hide in my room. I just want to avoid everything. I want to stay in my room. I hate getting up in the morning. every fucking morning its the same shit. I lay there trying to come up with some reason why I dont have to go to school. Why do I not care about anything. Why am I so confused? why do i do half the shit i do. why cant i be sure of anything. why dont i have my own goddamn friends, apart from everyone else. why do i even bother? why am I writing this. who really gives a fucking crap. why do I consently embarass myself. why dont i stick with anything. why do i keep losing interest in stuff. why cant I just be normal. have more than one group of friends, go to parties, go to school, do homework, have sleepovers, have a best friend who i hang out with all the time, have friends who call me wanting to do stuff, not me constently harassing them. why cant I be good at just one goddamn thing. why cant I be happy with what I have. why cant I go to sleep now. why am i complaning. why cant i be happy with what I have, huh? why the fuck not?!? why cant I just be a normal teenager, and be carefree all the time, and not worry about a thousand different things? why am i such a bitch to people.
