well man, this really sucks....why doeseverything always have to happen at once? why does every one have to be so stressed out? i mean... i'm flipping out on others about the stupidest smallest things....i cant talk to my friends because they already have more tahn enough problems on theyre own...back to bottling everything back up, or posting it here...man completly falling back in to my old ways...i need to somehow get on with the rest of my life....but if all this crap keeps arising then i can wave good bye to clairty of mind...i just need....i dont know what i need....FUCK MAN THIS SUCKS ASS!!

hey all...first day of semester 2....well lets see what renee thinks of her classes....auto, 14 ppl in that class including me, mr.kaisis isnt being a huge jerk yet, so this could be enjoyible....history...well with friends, and i acutally like history.....civics...i dont think that i will have any problems with that class....english....well i got bodley, so im happy about that...keith, britt and danielle house are in my class. whatever....sorry man, it must suck to be the reader, all i do is complain and moan and bitch about how im all sad and stuff....oh well get used to it, i gotta get it out sometime.......
well i miss keith....not that i havent seen him or anything, but i dunno, i just need a LONG hug. i could count the words on both of my hands to tell you how many words ive said to him in the past 5 days....i dunno, starting to get the feeling replaced feeling....im probably over reacting....but it still does suck ass....he doesnt see anything wrong here.....oh well maybe he'll read this....maybe....
yesterday i went to the durham center with cyncora, mathewson, brandi, sonja, lindsey....it was fun, went bra shopping....hahah. its so funny to take guys bra shopping! good ole guys...then we went to mathewsons house and dyed his hair.....looks mighty good i must say...then they put someblack in mine.....ended up cutting it all off, and because it looked really bad, because there were black and blond and green, and a bunch of other colours...looked really bad, so i dyed it all black....whatever, cut it too short....i dunno, its just hair...cant say it looks incredibly good, but it happens.....man i hate snow! it sucks ass...!!!! but yeah....well im gonna go be a big nerd and read french poetry.....

hey hey everyone
suddenly i feel somewhat hyper... im not sure why... waiyt i had some more of the stuff ppl got me yesturday. thanx to all for the birthday wishes and things. i appreciate it. hey cool im listenin to the song livin on a prayer haha alley BON JOVI lol. well im excited i hope we dont have to go to skool cuz of the weather that would be wicked cool. i would enjoy that.
so recap of january... possibly the crappiest month of the year... but we did have our moments...lets reminese shall we..........yeah so we had new years at sonjas it was quite fun indeed. with the punching bag, pictures of brandi, the dog couch..*sigh* and then there was the outside picnic.... and my suprise party... i think thats it. its been the season of depression break ups and deaths for me tho.... well not breakups cuz i havent had a bf in a while. such as life. but i dunno deaths werent cool for me there was eerik then 3 days later ron boyes... he was like a second dad had a brain tumor and died. oh well for him it was less painful at least. ahhhh january.... what an odd month. y did i have to been born then? well such is the way things go. at least i can get my g1 soon.... very soon. well i guess thats all i have to say
peace
ps because im lazy i dont feel the need to correct spelling or typos haha

dont worry about it renee... we all have our time of crying. i wouldnt want u to fake being happy and be really hurting. i just wish there was something to make it better for you. i kno that ur uncle meant a lot to u. kinda a similar figure that ron boyes was. its ironic that oit was cancer they both had. no wonder we get along so well. but neway im really thankful to all the work u put into it. i had an amazing time i really did. really that party made my day. cuz it was so nice and to have almost every1 there. it was mt first surprise party. and it was fun times... fun times indeed. thank u every1! man today was like a really emotional day tho. i really wish we had the whole week off tho. wow im 16 what a weird notion. i can drive, haha bad driving runs in the family too haha my sister ran inro the garage and got 3 speeding tickets and she passed the test the first try.and my brother failed his second driving test last week and a week a go my mom almost ran a stop sign right in front of a policeman. haha good ol family/ ahhh but they mean well. im actually pretty lucky. man i cant wait till the weekend. im getting rid of the black hair and going downtown. and soon i will bring back the fire muahaha (i hope my mom wont get mad... meh shell get over it) guess thats it
peace

well i got back from stinas surprise party a little while ago....man i feel like an ass...my bestfriends 16th and i was balling the whole bloody time....of course i was on the porch or in justines room, or in the bathroom....as many of you know, my uncle is dying of stomac cancer....ive known this man all my life, and now the dont expect him to live through feburuy....i have so many memories of him...so that was one of the reasons that i was all upset... then theres the whole Eerik thing...then all the stress....all my friends are going through so much, and i hate to see them all upset, or know taht something is killing them inside...so thats happening too...well what else can i say....i love keith even more for keeping the attention off of me, so that stina could still enjoy her b-day and so taht it wouldnt turn into a ball fest...i myself am so mad at myself for doing that, just breaking down....i wasnt there really to celebrate my bestfriend's 16th birthday...man i feel like crap...oh well....now wondering what shall i do tommorow....

oh yeah that reminds me... (i dunno what reminded me but i just thought of might be better) neway back to the point... why doesnt neone sign our 'dreambook' the fancy shmancyone that renee finally put up? come one make us feel special... DOOO IT>..... well if ya want i wouldnt wanna make u feel uncomfortable....*shifty eyes*

well today is the big 1-6. i hate it how birthdays are so over rated... specially 16. idont get it so u can get ur g1. buh i dunno im sorry renee by the way how i kinda freaked out on you. its just one of those days. id really hope i wouldnt cry on my birthday but oh well... i kno im over reacting. sometimes i cry and there doesnt seem to be a reason behind it. so yeah i was all mad cuz i try to get a hold of ppl and stuff and i was gonna wait for ppl to call me but whatever and then i never got called back really. so i guess i was upset cuz of that(hopefully it made sense). i think its jus all part of the greiving still. hence the emotiall roller coaster and combined with ahuge headache. i dunno y im like this. but thanx to all how cared to wish em a happy birthday. andi read the blog mike and its cool if ya wanna call me K-car.
hopefully im going out tonite. i need to get my mind distracted off my negative thoughts and to go thinking positive ones. its hard tho. its a weird quirk in human nature. how we kno were upset and we dont like the feeling but are reluctant to do anything to change it. its weird how everything is. its still very dreamlike to me. and how its weird that feelings change so quickly. i walked downstairs this morning and felt relatively happy ( i had a pretty good day yesturday as well as evening at brandis) although i did have a headache and a swollen lip(i have no clue how it happened neway its not so bad now) but u kno stuff was ok. the day gradually progressed and having no distractions it makes it easy to go back to self pity. i really need to get out of this rut. the show must go on some one told me. but its hard all the same. man if only some1 was here so i could just take out all my frustation in good ol tackling style. but neway hopefully after eating cake and such maybe ill feel better. and watch 16 candles!! haha its all about bad 16th birthdays. neway time for me to jet

ps i dont really like cake... cept for ice cream cake... and thats just ice cream in the shape of a cake with cookie crumbs.... mmmm cookie crumbs... if neone is coming to whatever tonite bring me sugar so i can get all hyper again that makes me feel more myself( i think). last nite i was, neway im rambling and i already said bye so i guess ill actually leave now

peace

well so im back from brandi's...now i really wonder what french rap sounds like....i wonder insted of saying what, what? the say quoi, quoi? and chein instead of dog? i dunno, very tired! gonna go to be...damn rambling....grrrbrrr, grrrbrrr.....grrrberrr....

hey all again....well great news, one of the big serects that my familly was hidding from me is taht my uncle is dying....not much to say there....well so im off now....

Jane is cynical, intelligent, and talented (she is a budding artist). Like any good artist, Jane constantly explores the passionate and emotional side of the world. She believes paint-by-number kits are inherently evil.


hey look im jane on that haha. thats funny its pretty acurate tho/ love these lil quiz things. where do ppl find them? neway i dont feel like posting much but its weird cuz tomorrows my birthday it just doesnt seem like it all. planning to watch 16 candles... good ol 80s teen movies. neway hope every1 has a nice evening
peace

whhhhat the fuck??? erin i hate you with a fucking passion...you have no idea what its like to be me....you dont know what i go through. so you can get that stupid fucking idea out of your head...look i didnt say anything to christinas mother...you know sorry that i found an audult that i can talk to...look, i'm not breaking moms heart, or yours either, sorry for the way that i feel. its not my fault...i never said taht i was abused..and i want to know what the fuck is happening around here, you blame me for not knowing, but how am i when no one will tell me...why do i feel like im at fault here...i never said that i wasnt lucky. i know that i am, but you gotta reliaze that my life inst perfect. but i really want o know what the hell is going onhere...like really...what the fuck....you cant blame me for stuff that i dont know about....my bussines is none of yours. look thats great, i let christinas mom in so that she could pick up my bestfriend...also very soory that when stuff at home isnt that great for me taht i go to her house where i can look after me....you know that im not "right" in my mind....ive got mad shit going on...erin you are the cause of alot of my problems....im not at all who you think i am..you may seem to think that you know me but really all you know is my name. i need to deal with m,e first, before i can deal with you and your problems which you have a very scary way of reminding me of dad. you have angrar problems, you need to get help...and im sorry that i have a avid memory, and remember thinks in detil from when i was 15months old...erin weather you beleive me or not, those things have scareed me...you have got to realize that sometimes actually most of the time mom doesnt know how to deal with me...she says things and does things that set me off to the point taht i dont trust myself and need to be with others. and by others i mean friends...stinas is a 'safe' place for me...some of the "stupid" things i do arent to make you happy, theyre to make me happy...look im sorry that i cant be happy all the time, and that i need to take medication. its not my fault though, so stop trying to make it as it is though... my life isnt about making everyone else happy, its about making me happy first. i cant make others happy unlessi am truly happy myself. sorry that you dont understand that, maybe someday you will. maybe someday you'll undersatnd me..not likely though. erin, you do stuff to piss mom off as much as i have. and yes i know that mom has had a hard life, but that doest mean taht i have to pay for her mistakes. look somesay you'll realize taht mom's not always right. i am not teh same person as she is, i'm not living her life, i dont do or thingthe same things as she does, or that you do....im different....you honselty think taht i dont know that im a screw up? maybe if you didnt push it in my face all the bloody time....maybe erin....look why do you focus on me. you have your own problems....you guys have to ket me make my own mistakes, live my own life... the more you yell at me the more i want to run away from you, and do things that you dont want me to do.....you dont know who i am.....not even my name......

hey...i really like your story christina...anyway...so last night was fun...told some dumb 'scary'story...goodtimes....hey thanks cyncora, i really appereishate that....and yes i am incredibly surprised that you were listening...jezz.well i've not much to say besides after tommorow i will not have anymore exams!!!!!!!!! stupid french...oh well as long as i pass. what else can i say i get to paint my room...im looking at a purple or a green...i'm not sure yet...i wanted to do red but my mom won't let me because then i'll have to prime it!! lalala i dont care...... last night i spent alot of time outside...looking at the sky with the clouds that patteren, i always make up stories about how it got like that...same with the stars...i remember when i was about 11 or 12...my uncle corry would take us camping and this one perticulier time we were up at guelph lake...and we were there for about 2 weeks. we had to change camp sites about 3 times...but everynight we would look up at the stars...and whoever could find the bigdipper first and the little dipper got to have the first marshmello. i love my uncle corry. he's like a father to me...he taught me a lot of things...he taught me how to sail, and how to cross one eye but not the other...he was always up to play with us...doing crazy things....he's great...
~moonlight and stars~

finally im starting to write again. with everything that has happened i couldnt bring myself to write cuz i had nothing to say. i was just so shocked and confused. it didnt help that some1 else i knew i lossed that week to cancer, wasnt the greatest streak there. and now theres mad work... with the vain hope that maybe i could take my mind of it only briefly. any way i really wanted to blog last night but then i completely forgot my password and username. how big of an idiot i am. neway i wrote something that relates. its kinda legnthy but good(i think so) nonethe less. the names arent exact but the sentiments are the same. enjoy!

I opened my eyes. My body creaked as it broke through its cloudy veil of sleep and dreams. My eyelids strained to stay open. I sat up and all of a sudden memories flooded my brain like a shadow. It was not a pleasant sensation, it saturated every cell and I suddenly wished I were back in my dreams in that state before consciousness.
The sun was still low in the sky casting light in familiar hazy squares on my wall. She had kept her promise. I sat for a moment to think, to order my reality. I still couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it. The pictures on my wall stared back at me lifeless, the smiles on them seemed so far away. I remembered the conversation, the ‘I’m so sorry’ look in your eyes. I remember I tried to smile, I tried not to open my mouth because I didn't want you to see me cry. You said that things change… I tried to stop thinking.
I walked downstairs and mechanically made myself a bowl of Special K. I studied the cup-like flakes. I tried to concentrate on reading the back of the box: “Look good on your own terms…” is what it read. I stopped reading.
I looked beside me and saw –literally two big brown puppy-dog eyes staring at me. I scratched his head and felt his silky brown ears. I put away my empty bowl and picked up the worn leash that hung on the hook on the wall. Kosmo panted and pranced excitedly at my ankles. I snapped the leash to his collar and walked out the door.
The morning hit me with a wave of freshness. It smelled like sunlight and dew. I could hear sounds of birds. They were not beautiful sounds, but sounds of life and uninhibited vitality. The simplicity and calmness of the air was soothing. I walked purposefully down the cracked asphalt. Bittersweet thoughts of you returned. You –we walked this path before. I let my mind travel backwards and indulged myself in memories. Only the good ones, the ones that made me miss you more, like the way you held the world in your smile. It’s ironic really. About six months ago I got in a car accident. I had a bruise on my hip the size of a grapefruit for weeks. It felt fine if I left it alone but for some strange masochistic reason I had a habit of touching and pushing on it to make sure it still hurt. Every day I would test the pain until one day I forgot and realised it had gone away. Human pain is a love/hate relationship.
I let Kosmo off the leash and he immediately began crashing through the brush of the field beside the road. I walked alongside it and watched his brown tail sporadically flip through the tall grass.
As we walked a bit farther down, the road stopped and to my left was a worn dirt path, through the woods and down to the water. I picked my way down the rocky terrain until I reached the sandy bottom. The ground flattened and stretched out in every direction. The gentle water lapped and caressed the shore. I breathed through my nose deeply, and again more deeply. The sky here reached out forever and I wanted to inhale it, to somehow feel its freedom inside me.
Kosmo quickly broke the morning’s stillness as he crashed into the water. It’s glossy surface shattered like glass for an instant but soon conformed to the foreigner it held. Momentary chaos, then nature shifts, changes and re-orders itself. Smooth ripples stretched out behind him and only his head protruded from the water as he bobbed to and fro along the shore.
I sat down on a piece of dry driftwood and felt the morning sun on my face. It tried to soak in, but I rejected it still. All I could do was sit there, empty. Still I thought of you. I played back our encounters in my head, trying to find the glitch in the Matrix, the place where I should have known something had gone askew. My mind was plagued with “I should have”s. If only… I wouldn’t have to feel this now. I continued to wallow in self-pity. I think that sometimes I would rather be the tragic hero in my own movie than be happy. My life is crashing down around me –or is it just the special effects and theme music? I sit on my log and try to look winsome as I stare into the distance.
I looked and saw Kosmo, his back paws shuffling backwards as he tried desperately to dislodge a large stick that the water had so skilfully stuck between two rocks. He finally managed to pull it out and then proceeded to triumphantly carry his prey over to where I was sitting. He let it tumble at my feet and looked up at me expectantly. I picked up the muddy mess and heaved it out as far out into the water as I could. I sat back down. I looked out at the ocean and it shone back in an iridescent turquoise shimmer. The sky’s colour had intensified also and its full blue contrasted the few white cotton cloudlets scattered throughout the sky. Kosmo and stick pranced through the water in a happy sopping heap and then collapsed into the wet sand to chew.
I forgot myself in the equation for a moment. It was as if somehow the earth had paused, for on its axis in a place where space and time unite and for a brief moment one can think of nothing except the sheer perfection of the world and everything in it. The overwhelming beauty of it all left me breathless and for an instant at least, I realised that there was a world beyond your smile.

well making for 2 posts in one day....who's good!!! well i'm talking with my friend...now this really bothers me....whats really in samwitch meat? more so the turkey kind. i mean...turkey is white, "turkey"samwitch meat is pink. turkey is all texured and stringy. you cant really cream it.where as this "turkey" samwitch meat is flat as can be, with no trace of meat in in anywhere. so i've come to the conclusion that really theres no turkey in this supposed "turkey" samwitch meat. i believe that it is really just the fat from when they cook the turkey. i've been pondering this a long time...if you know or you think you know e-mail me at :ren_67@hotmail.com
*and yes i know that that's not how you spell sandwich..hey wow i spelled it right.i couldnt think of it earlier. and in too damn lazy to fix it know...so suffer.or not. ...whatever

well here i am yet again...well i hope to hell that i got my 3% on my math exam so that i can go to summer school.i know that it sounds weird that i want to go to summer school. well actually i dont, but its better than having to repete it again next year.and take the chance of being in my *shudder shudder* sisters class.
well yesterday after my exam we hung around for an hour, then me and stina went to my house to discover that i had no food, and the evil sister (who is uncannily alike to the evil step sisters in cinderella) wounldnt lend me $10 to get food. i even offered to do her dishes all this week....silly stupid child...so we went to her house where insted of cleaning my house like i was supposed to i cleaned hers. then i wondered over to alleys house...twas fun...good times all around!!! slept over at britts, which was creepy, cause my mum has always had something against sleepovers...she doesnt see thepoint of them...you bond! gezzz....
well we watched movies all night when i wasnt being attacked by her cats...mad cat woman!!
then this morning we watched jeppers creepers.. now this movie was a good ole canadain disterbince...(now for those of you who actually know everything about movies, i dont know if this is a canadain movie)its just one of those movies that you just scream at the t.v because no one in there right mind would do what they do...so were all sitting theree screaming our heads off.....grrrr....

anyway...yesterday when we were walking stinas dog. stina walked right into a tree. then later on our way to britts /park alley walked into a tree and fell over!!! silly people...speaking of stina...every time that shes at my house she breaks one of my old anceint uncomfortable chairs. now there all ready broken, but she always manages to break them, or fall though them...its such a sight to see her fall...which reminds me...back in science class, she would be holding something in her hands and go "oops" then drop it. no perposly, but it was so funny, like she knew that she was going to drop it and decided to do nothing about it. well i had a bunch of funnier things to say, but they like everything else has escaped my mind at the very moment i need it...

Jeppers Creepers, where'd you get those peepers? jeppers creepers, where'd you get those eyes? *sings while strutting out of the room, with a martini in one hand and snaping the other.*
well im off to scrub my tub.

hey again.....look im the only one who posts...but its very understandible....so i took my science exam today...well my science teachers great...she e-mailed me today telling me that i just passed the exam, so im now getting a 51% in science. she e-mailed me so that i have just one less thing to worry about...shes great! so my french teacher called yesterday to tell me that im now offically getting a 52% in her class. which i cannot blame anyone other than myself and lack of motivation for. wow my mum will be impressed with my report card..oh well. yeah so my communation class got canclled. so i didnt have much choice. so im taking auto..damn you mr.kasias!!!! i hate him as a teacher.. im sure that he'll be delitied taht im in his class again. but i think taht i have english with my friends. so tahts a plus. even though i see most of my friends for at least 2 peroids a day. im so screwed for math....today christina the amazing teacher dude came over and we studyed for over 3 1/2 hours. wow, adn i actually learned stuff. i don't know if i learned enough to pass, but she did the impossible, actually taught me....wow.. i really shouldnt complain about how im failing everything or how im so screwed. well not really complain, but bring up. i think that it annoyes people because i could do something about it. oh well its just me falling into my old ways of being even more pessimestic than i already am. i always have been though. and i lack complete faith in myself. it happens. i dont really care. i guess that that sums up my whole life....i dont really care...

hey...now for a *quick* post...so ive been studing most of the day...stupid damn exams....whats the whole point in me craming all this useless information that i'll forget as soon as possible...my days could be filled with reading,and outdoor activity...but insted im stuck inside getting wrist cramps, and back aches. when there is a whole world out there for me to see......i really dont see the point in all this. all the stress it causes everyone...damn i sound like a hippie.meh, then a hippie ill be.
so in my house right now theres a small war going on between my sisters. jen the younger one is stealing all my colthes and c.d's, make-up, hair stuff. basicly dressing exactly like me. she doesn't do it as well as i do though. but its not like i have an amazing style. its just odd/plain/tacky...and mostly black...but apperently shes taking my sentivity too. my older sister is all"blah blah blah i dont want to have to deal with 2 of her" and jen's all"im just borrowing her stlye. and im nothing like her. i dont ever want to be like her. i would never do the stupid stuff that she does/did"
well jeez no need to fight....i am however slightly offended. a) im oh so sorry for making you deal with me, excuse me for living according to my own way of life. b) i don't think taht i have ever done any thing stupid. well i regret nothing, with the exception of not getting to know eerik as well as i would have liked....c) whats so wrong with being like me? i mean, i have a boyfriend. i have the greatest friends. we dont hide stuff from eachother, we're not 2-faced. we can talk about anything...so i don't see the big deal...i think that my whole family has a veiw of me that im some big druggy, into herion, and always doing bad stuff....news flash...gezzz im so not even half taht bad. im semi-good. i mean i dont do so well in school, and i dunno, we all do our own things. im sorry taht they don't approve of my lifestyle (im making me sound gay arent i?) or my choices, but its my life, for me to choose how i live it. i dont live for them, i do it for me....well i should go back to the pointless studing!
~blessings and moonlight~

hey to one and all. wow, studing for exams really does suck! espically science and math. well all evening i've been studing science, and it is sooooooo boring. tommorow keith said that he'd help me with math. gah, im so tried. and im gonna be a big complainer" my back hurts!!!" i know whine whine whine, well too bad.we did our final play in drama. man ours was interesting. at one point we had the whole cast on and no one knew the line, so we're all standing there looking like fools. and of course it was my line. damn memory! well that was definalty an expererince. actually it wasnt really, i have no shame. i dont care, ive done many a stupid things. but having no shame is not the same as not being able to be embarrased. ohi ve had my embarrasing moments. like forenstence, i will not go shopping with my father. he yells and complains that the prices are too high, or if he reads that something is on sale, but then in small print it says that its not on sale yet. and he always reads his check, even when we goto resturants. now most of you are saying that he just doesnt want to get ripped off, this is not the case. he recounts it, even though he saw them ring it up. he also complains about everything, then when you say" oh its ok, i'll get this one, its cheaper" he gets mad. that that is embarrasing...another thing that is embarrasing, well not really embarrasing but always makes me blush is when im playing sports and my friends come to watch and they start screaming. i love them to death. but it always makes me blush.i guess i dont recieve complainents well. i can recieve complainents about my hair and stuff, ive gotten used to it....and thats my memory/ reflection of the day...
~blessings and moonlight~

hey...well almost a week since my last post. its been really weird. i mean, we're all laughing and joking around.i guess that its a good think that we are, you know insted of mopping around. it just still seems weird. i know taht we're all still griveing inside. i dont know.

well on to other news....my little sister is starting to dress exactly like me. and by that i mean wearing my clothes, in the same outfits taht i do. and shes listening to my c.d's. its weird!she gets me to do her hair, and makeup. its really weird!
i was recently at lyndies house and was flipping through a teen magizine. i now remember why i stopped reading those. i was looking through them, and they tell you how to do makeup. whats new in the fashion industry, what you should wear. and all those girls are all the same. they all look so perfect when in realtiy they are complety air brushed. and they all wear makeup. alot of girls dont wear makup, and if they do its WAY minimum. those magizines dont actually apply to anyone. well at least no one i've ever met. and the things about what boys are REALLY saying. its pure shit. maybe when they say hi, they just mean hi. its really stupid. well i had a bunch of other arguments against them but i dont remember them.
i have exams on thursday -science, which wont be taht bad because we get to use a cheat sheet, friday-math...gah! can i say more?
then next monday-french...grammer, you should all by now know my feelings about grammer.
well this weekend we stayed together. well a bunch of us were togerther. yeah. me and stina kept playing mario kart. that was the game of the weekend. then on sunday i went to keiths to learn me some math. well i learnt very little math. but i did read cocomero there. his house is good for doing homework at. i dont have the discrations of my house. well mostly food and the ability to sleep. meh, well good times had all around. ive been so tired lately. but my appetite has finalty made a mad comeback. i havent eaten like this in a long time. oh well. my hair is still falling out though. and im still unbearibly tired! oh well. my mum has been asking about my back alot lately. ive told her that its been fine. but really i think that im just learning to deal with it better, and ingore it. i mean it has been doing better, but...i dont want to give her the wrong impression. but at the same time i dont want her to worry about me, or think that im using my back as an excuse. well i think that ive wasted your time suffienctly...
~blessings and moon light~

i think that this is important to gte out there....well the vistation was today. i went to both of them. the first one was really hard. i couldn't get over it, he looked like he was going to wake up. it scared me because this just feels likea really bad dream. i sobbed, i couldn't help my self. then i went again with alley. i definalty needed to go again. the second time definalty woke me up. he's not coming back...this isn't a really bad dream...
yesterday was the abuslote worst...im not going to get into that...everyones has come together to help one another out, all our differences have been put aside between the groups. and im glad. we gotta remember that theres no wrong thing taht you can act like when your griving. i mean to day i went from one extreme to another, in the morning i was just sad, im the afternoon i was sobbing and shaking. then i was talkitive, i was being i cant explain my emotions. well im really tired, and i know that we have a really hard day ahead of us....*hugs* i love you guys, don't ever forget that.

i finally decided to write i have had so much to think about i jsut couldnt write nething till now...

So its tues now... ive never had a week go by so slow... nor have i cried so much nor have i recieved so many hugs fr so many ppl. its a weird thing. i talked to his parents today. apparently theyve heard a lot about me. its just so hard. ive never really lost any1 before and although i havent known eerik for that long he definately still had an impact on my life. he was so quirky and i cant get his voice out of my head. like rob i havent known him that long but i still have many memories of times together and past conversations. i also had a dream on sunday night. right after he died. i had many but the most vivid one was the one where we were at the funeral and looking at the casket crying. but then for some reason it was open and i could see something moving. eerik popped out of the casket eating a bowl of fruit salad and looked at us and said EYYYY... so like always we said it back and i turned out it was all a big joke.... then i woke up and it took me a minute to have the harsh reality sink in that it really wasnt a joke. i cried..... again.... uyesturday i was afraid to sleep again so i had about 3 hours.... im really tired... getting more irritable. but finally were thinking more about the fun times... having the odd chuckle reminising on eeriks qurks... the way he stood his odd remarks like 'hey im wearinmg clean pants; i never imagined that i would have such a hard time dealing with all of this. today i speak at impact. it was also odd....i also just found out that ron boyes (my best friend fr southwoods dad) is going to die w. in the next few days of cancer. its so hard to deal w/ death. i hope that i will become more stable each day. the situation is in my prayers. i kno that eerik and many of u didnt belve in god or nething of that kind but i mean it was important to his parents and i cant do harm right? neway we wont forget what he meant for all of us
RIP

well what can i say. eerik you meant alot to everyone. i don't know if you even had the slightest idea. you were the smartest guy i ever have known. i will always remember your black and red nail polish and how it was the flag for the spanish when they were anicharsist. nor will i forget how you hated christmas. i remember being at your house in december, it was a bunch of us. we were all drinking, and then we made a time traveling machine. and we were trying to figure out how one would go about the unshaking of things...well you'll probably figure it out. i didn't know you all that well, but you still meant alot to me.everyday at the benches with our communaly 'hey'. i think that you may have cared even less about your hair than any of us. i respected you and will continue to, more than anyone. you made us all think about everything, why we were here, the point of it all.and not to mention what we believe'd in. i still don't know how to deal with all of this, i've yet to stop crying. it just doesn't seem real, like its a bad dream, and i'll wake up and there you'll just walk up to all of us and 'hey' then you'll do your stance. you've influenced all of us. no one can say that your life didnt have any meaning, because it meant alot to us. i remember on new years eve, in was in so much pain. so you gave me one of your beers. i will never forget your kindness. you were brillant. i'm not sure how to act, or what to do. we all miss you! hey, we'll see you again, someday...

i hope your mind will finally get some rest. goodbye for now eerik, you meant alot to all of us. your ideas will forever carry on.

INCREASE THE PEACE

well here we go, walking down the street....anyways...well alley slept over last night. good times had by all. we discovered that on my right arm i have these birthmarks/beauty marks that if you connected them is the cross inverested(?) anyways so i carry the sign of the devil on my arm...too bad that i dont believe in satan. yeppers you heard it here, renee is the daughter of evil. which really shouldn't suprise any of you. alright now heres my stupid question of the day...do super hero's have gentila? speaking about wonderwoman and superman. im not too sure because they are aliens. now where would i get a crazy question like this you may ask...Mall rats...and yes these are the stupid things i think about. ive got a question for everything. ahhh...yes interesting times to be had at lyndies house for monoply. well im still stuck on this superman/wonderwoman thing so i'm gonna go ponder that for a while.

hey hey all
man this whole pickering high thing sucks. i was there in the action yesturday saw the swat teams cuz i had to drop my brother there for some basketball thing. so yes i was reading chris' blog and how every1 had so much fun playing monopoly it makes me sad. darn me not feeling well!! bleh!! not cool. neway i missed out on stuff AGAIN tonite cuz i had no ride getting to brandis. my mom left @ 6:30 and my sister went to ancaster to see her bf. i dont understand how she maintains a long distance relationship. neway so since i had no rides or nething i had katie over and we were working on the dance thing. well its not ALL done but wut i did do looks 'ill' might fine if i do say so myself. but its quite tiring tho. well sem 1 is draeing to a close and i am quite relieved. i find myself not enjoying stuff @ skool so much nemore besides my lunch time where i go psycho. ahaha fri was funny .... newho yeah suprisingly enuff my most enjoyable class is science... IN FRENCH!! ahh crazy but i was doing some of the work and i dont understnad :P darn righting chemistry equations properly. neway i dont like french and am royally screwed for all that is grammer. haha its funny im so bad @ it, if only she didnt let us cheat on every single verb test. well phys the class is ok but im not much of a fan of the company im w. i only really like katie. i talk to every1 but i guess cuz im sum wut out going. finally math... whats to say about it? its math. mrs nicholls spends the entire period making us write in our coil books and listen to her talk. i pass the time by playing w. keiths hait and singing. actually that part is quite amusing... 50% class im singing haha!! i also have this weird obsession w. hair.... i spiked keiths hair in clsas the other day that was fun. next sem its hard to say... well i have art and love the subject but i dont really kno much about mrs stallworthy i really wanted mr farndon... my sisters teacher respects him so much so apparently is a good teacher. but i kno some ppl in it so thats cool. well i ahve civics careers in french... not really sure wut to expect. history w/ mlle milor (ugh!) and eng w/ mrs zimmerman and i havent heard to many good things but wut ever... neway i want summer... and i want candy *dances* well gtg byebye

oh yeah my birthdat is coming (in between sem) and im expection a surprise part *nose tap* *wink wink*

i have decided to post about suburbs going to hell. i just moved into a nice neighbourhodd or at least it was supposed to nice.i have lived here for a year and so far a 40 year old exstacy(spelt wrong sorry) has been arrested like half a block from my house. there is a police car at someones house at least once a week. about a month ago i watched 3 people get arrested outside my house at gun point. then today like 2 blocks from my house lived a boy who shot the wall at pickering. they had police and even a swat team outside his house. i mean i thought it was supposed to be nice. in my old crappy neighbour hood there was like cops once a month. what is going on out her in the bunies of ajax(pickering village). i mean what is up with that crap! that is all i have to say and now i am done! i will post again some day!

AHHHHHHHHH 'cant stop the moonlight' is in my head!!!
make it stop!!!!!!

hey hey look whos posting again woo hoo... well today im feeling sumwut better although im annoyed @ the quizzes / work i has to make up fr one freaking day. also for phys ed we just got asigned this dance thing and im in a group were either ppl dont care or cant dance. it sux and since i was gone yesturday i was hoping that they would have been forced to work on it themselves but no something came up and guess who still does al the work. so frustrating.... it sux also cuz of the type of dance we have to do it has to be like pop/ hip hop music... it sux were doing cant stop the moonlight fr coyote ugly... never did see the movie... but if i do say so the moves hat i have figured out look mighty fine... btw... haha i remember when mathewson said 'b -t-w-' for by the way in real life ahha i got a laugh wut a nerd.... jokes ur the coolest chris... but neway back to my point... where was i.... oh yes movies...yeah so i stayed hoe fr the lack of better options so i rented the movie memento.... VERY weird movie. it keeps on going for the futur back in time and it repeated random events... it was kinda like a 'traffic' type genre. i have to say i was somewut dissapointed cuz those were 2 hours of time that i will never get back *sigh* nothing was resolved in fact it left u with ,more questions at the end then the beggining. well i wont go into tht plot too deeply in case ne of u want to see it. i guess it would be allright if thats something u like but eerik u are right.... movies ARE the devil. neway i am running out of valid things to say (assuming all of the above were actually valid -depending on ur point of view) so i am off for the time being...god speed!

ahhh, poor stina!!!! well the plans for tommorow are going out for dinner then to go see lord of the rings again. yeah a outdoors picnic would be so very cool! well i dont have much to say today. so i will leave it at that. stupied blogger. was being gay yesterday! dont have too much codien! its addictive you know*wink wink*. but it sure as hell works. clams me down almost everytime!

yeah im having problems w/ my health today... hahah renee we always talk about it hehe. neway ya i woke up w/ a migrane that started @ work i passed out there... darn being enimic. yeah i excercised too much for the food i ate. it was so weird. my body feels like its beeing compressed. i think i need to see the chiropracter cuz it helps w/ headaches and im all achy...also my extreities such as my arms legs and the odd time my back have been feeling like there are bugsa crawling under my skin (its weird thats something u feel after having LSD) but maybe it has to do w/ the nerves and my spine.. well there always the possiblity. oh ya today i was doing like mad fwds to some ppl sorry if u h8 them and such. im just really bored cuz i can only read and sleep... no TV no video games not much eating *sigh* oh well. i hope i feel better for tomorrow i wanna be able to go out and things. another out side picnic that was SOO much fun. well good luck w/ ur health stuff renee... byebye going to get some more codine (hehehe)

hello to one and al. well what can i say... i just got back from the doctors. it was amazing, this man actually cared as to what was wrong with all of me. he checked my reflects (which by the way are quicker than normal) everything. sent me for blood tests ( i find it fasinating to watch them take blood from me. three viles! i dont know what you guys complain about! the blood really justs spurts from you!)and in a couple hours im gonna go get a x-ray of my back. he sending me too a couple of doctors to get theyre opinions about different things. and hes sending me for an MRI and just wow. this dr. has done more for m,e than all the doctors ive seen in the past year and 2 moths. usally all the doctorss i see crush all my dreams and hopes. and i usally leave there crying, and for once in a long time im crying because im happy. im finally gonna find out whats wrong with me, and not just one thing, everything. im being sent to a phycaitrist (?) for my brain, and ill find out whats going on with that, and then maybe i can get that taken care of. and we're having tests for muscle diseases and everything. my life is starting to look up. people actually care. its not the solution to my problems, they don't even know what is wrong yet, but im getting there, surly but slowly... and i had just given up all hope, i cant even to tell you how happy i am. i have a boyfriend who i love dearly, my friends are great, i found a doctor who cares, and maybe someday i'll get better. some day i may be able to play professional sports, some day i'll be able to frolic in the fields. someday....

well well, we've been added to the wastedpotentail blog link thingy. alright, well my winter picnic went spendlidedly! it was so weird today, like 3 or 4 people added me too theyre msn. i was a little over whelmed. but thats ok. well i cant join in on the im single bit. so yeah. i dunno with the whole suside thing, you really have to admire theyre honstey, because thats a hard thing to tell people. and i think that everyone thinks about it at one point or another. i know quite a few people who are so sercetive of theyre depression. they hide it from theyre best friends. i dont think taht i could do taht, i mean when i dont feel happy, do i want to pretend that i am. no. all my friends know that im depressive. i dont care. but i dont see it as a character flaw. its something taht we were born with and have to learn to live with. i mean, yeah ive seriously considered suside, and its a really scary thing to deal with. but its even scarier when you dont cry,and theres nothing telling you not to. when your whole mind goes clear, and you dicide taht it would be best for everyone. and your in a complete trance. well anyways, before i bring all of you down.
~france will be the death of my fun!~

i am going to be a big complainer right now about being single cause it is really starting to suck. i have officially been single for a year and i feel so lonely*sniff* i don't know why i mean it's not like i am an extremely ugly loser who has no personality at all. i am joyful and can be humourouse at times i enjoy many things but still nobody. but i guess there isn't really much i can do but complain and that is what i feel like doing but now i think i am done with that. i had fun times in the park today it was quite fun we played and i had warm cranberry cyder from my thermos. i ate chocolate and yelled at random people on the street. turns out one of the people i actually knew and he hung out with us and we played on the whales i like the whales i got to be the green whale and the red whale and i sat on the clown nose in the middle of the whales. now that is all i have to say i will blog again i promise good day to you all!!

me and mathewson are talking on msn and wondering why such cool ppl like us are still single. i mean its not like we have charachter flaws i mean were practically perfect. i mean come on.... maybe if i dont wear so many clothes
my suggestion to mathewson was to get a wig....wut do u guys think? i think it could work for him
were just so perplexed about the whole single thing. *scratches head* well i think im going to the park and play
hey maybe ppl find me to juvinile? and the fact that i cant spell and have many many typos who knows

This quiz says absolutely nothing about your personality. Take it!

i think im addicted to these testhings. i think there may be something wrong with me. and i feel the need to share it with all of u. i wonder if im repelling every1 fr or blog. i dunno renee wut do u think. should i get help ad end this sick obsession or just go with it. i mso confused. *blink blink* h where am i who are all these funny looking ppl... w/ the......

hello all!! hey look at me blogging all the time now!! whoa ho ho check it out!! well im feelinh somewut hyper and restless because
1) ive had coke (it was diet too i dont understand)
2) ive been extremely giggly
3)havent doe nething all day
4) i no longer have guests staying over
5)were having a picnic
wow so many reasons. well i realize that reason #2 is really just a biproduct of being hyper/giddy.since when do i have to explain myself anyway? jerks!! ur all jerks no wait my word to insult ppl is nimrod wut am i doing? chris mathewson has recieved the nimrod name a few times today. y must i still be single. since when have i cared.. .all the lonely people where do they all come fr. in case no one knew wut that was it was the beatles...but yeah im excited. feeling mighty frisky odya brup brup/ man i wish i coudda hung out w. ppl last nite but u kno family stuff.
one another note, wuts all this talk about suicide? suicide isnt cool. i would say more on the matter but im not quite sure what to say. i figure its a smart thing to think first and then talk not the other way around/....neway its not cool guys dont do it!!! think of the people u will leave behind that will be sad and will miss u guys that is all

LIVING DEAD DOLL TEST RESULT
I'm afraid the prognosis is quite grim.


If I were a

I would be:

SADIE



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If I were a I would be: SADIE

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these tests seem to be all the rave right now

Our test experts (me) have determined that:

This quiz says absolutely nothing about your personality. Take it!

hahah so true isnt it?

Which Rocky character are you?

well what do you know? hahaha. its so sad that i got him. but what do you know? or expect?

well not much to say today, but yeah. tommorow is the winter picnic. so that should be fun. i saw jimmy neutron, which is alot funnier than i ever hoped to expect. so give it a chance. lets see, what do i want to say that is worth while so that i dont end up looking inredibly stupid? shall i talk about choosing the seat in the movie thearter thats just right for you? or how i woke up at 3:30 pm today? i will choose the latter. well as you prevoisely read, today i woke up at the amazing time 3:30 pm. i stayed up last night till like 1:30 am, which is pretty good for me. never in my life have i ever woke up so very late, not even when im sick. and its not like i dont sleep for a while then sleep for like a day. i just never catch up on my missed sleep. but teh kicker here is that stina called me like 10 minutes after i woke up, and i didnt have a morning voice. so you see, a morning voice only applys to me when i wake up before 1pm. you think that i would because i havent used it in hours, but no. i think thats werid! well anyways, if you want to contribute to our poets cornor then e-mail me your stuff and ill post it for the few people that read our blog. its ren_67@hotmail.com

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i did another one of these... wow so much fun... apparenty i would most likely be rabies... the questions i find can be quite personal...this one turmed out to be more accurate... i dontkno wut happened w. the alice and wonderland one

well at the moment im trying to set up links so that we can have different pages for poems and whatnot, so if this works then all you have to do is click on the link. hope to hell this works! and it did. that wasnt diffuclt at all, or maybe im a genious!! who cant spell that word.oh oh i am goodddd!!! oh yeah. let me have my moment!*everything pauses* thank you...now i will add my bit to the poet cornor.man so far everything is depressing. oh well, now ive added 2 of my own poems. good day.

img src="http://squirming.net/meme/tests/criminal/elizabethbathory.jpg" title="I am Elizabeth Bathory.">
Which Evil Criminal are You?
hahaha heres another test thing... theyre so much fun.,.. i think im getting carried away... maybe it would be good if i slepy.... darn insomnia... renee look wut uve done to me im am also an insomniac a loonie and have a small obsession with fire

oh yeah i was just rereading the character thingy and i agree w/ both chris' (mathewson and cyncora) that they are incrediblu inacurate! since when am I a loonie?

table>

You're not a know-it-all, but you can never pass up an opportunity to needle someone when you're right and they're wrong. You're irritated because people tend to forget (or be ignorant of) who you are when you participate in things. You make others uncomfortable, and have no sense of personal space, ya looney.


TABLE BORDER=0>
I am Mr Do.


I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples. What Video Game Character Are You?

hahaha so how do u like THEM apples??? muhahaha
im talking to mathewson on msn (i think im addicted) neway yeah he thinks my new section should the 'poets corner' instead of the poetry corner. i gues its cool not much different but if it makes him happy power to him,.... but since i wanna be difficult im renaming it again to.....dun dun dun... the place where poetry can be and will be found. AIIGHT!!! haha im so white neway i gotta jet!!!
~~ dont u kno that the world is full of stupid people?~~~

="http://blog.ravenblack.net/quiz/videogame.pl">

hey hey!!
yeah what happened to ppl on this blog? oh well yeah keith and britts blog has kinda dyed while matherwsons (along w/ rob jeff and eeric) is still going strong. weird how things go.. i wonder if neone ever actually reads this blog... o well yeah well all the holidays are coming to an end and its so very sad indeed! ahhh no skool!! and exams. but at least 1st sem is almost over. yeah so new years was a lot of fun. i enjoyed myself. its weird it was the first time meeting rob. it was fun times indeed. well ive decided to add a new part to this blog entitles...*dun dun dun* the poetry corner wherei put in my own work or something else that ive rad/ i think its a good idea... nice and original for the blog area ad i believe renee will maybe join in the fun

well enjoy!!! peace out!