love sucks

its 5:09 am, and i cant sleep. All i can think about is lance. I never thought it could hurt so much. I guess its because I really love him. I dont think thats ever gong to change. I miss being held when im sad, and cuddling, and kissing him, and hugging him and holding his hand.
It hurts just as much as when i broke up with him. I just miss him so much. Im crying so much right now. Ive never been sad this long about a break up. I guess I never was so in love with someone. The only times that im so upset is when i loose someone.
I hung out with him yesterday, and that was amazing. I was just so happy to be around him. We kinda laughed the whole time, it was fun. But since then I just cant stop thinking about him. He can still make me laugh when im upset, even though he doesnt know im upset. He makes me cry and laugh all at the same time. I dont know anyone else who can do that. oh man I fucked up big time. its just so hard sometimes.
And its not like I have anyone to hug, or be held by. Im used to having friends that I cna do that with when im upset. I guess it just kinda makes it harder. maybe not. I dont really have anyone to talk to it about. Well I shouldnt say that, because i do, I just choose not to, because no one wants to hear my shit. I just cant stop sobbing right now. I dunno I guess writing about it helps, gets it outta my head.
I guess I just need someone to be there for me right now, someone to hug me, and watch movies with me, or just sit and talk. I talk to myke all the time, but its not the same. I just really need a hug. thats all, and who would have thought that id be so hard. just a hug thats all. just a hug from someone who understands how much it hurts, and isnt going to care that I'm still upset, and will just let me cry. I dunno, I just need a best friend right now.
Im so glad that I hung out with lance, and no matter how much I cry later, I would keep doing it, just because I dont think I could not be his friend, he means the world to me. He's such a good friend too. I think it makes it easier because we still talk, so its not like I've lost him completely. I dont think I could deal with loosing him completely.

ok, so I need to be happy that I still get to talk to him, and joke around with him. And I need to be happy being friends with him. I feel so lucky that he still wants to be friends, even after all the bullshit I put him through. Im happy that he can still make me laugh, and makes me smile just talking to him. I'm lucky that thinking about that makes me smile. I just need to remember that he's still there. Im lucky that we're still friends, and we're on a good start of becoming friends again, and that he never stopped talking to me, even though it was hard as hell at first, and his names still sometimes make me upset. But i need to be happy with what I have. Ok, I feel a bit better now. stopped crying, I just need to remember that theres plenty of good times to come, and that its ok to be upset, but to remember how lucky I am, and to smile. Gotta remeber to smile, and to think happy thoughts when I think about him, so that I smile.

Ive been writing for 20 minutes now, but that doesnt matter, because I needed to get that out of my system, and relax and feel better. writing about it just gets it outta my head, so I can stop thinking about it, because Ive already thought about it, and ive thought about it to the extent that I needed to, and its no longer circling around in my head.
Even though I feel much better now, I'm going to still play a few games of backgammon before I go back upstairs and try to sleep, just to make sure im ok. I dont want to get up there and start crying again. Im trying to cry as less as possible, I think Im doing pretty good.
Quotes make me laugh, thats important too!!

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." ---jack handey

doing fine

ok, so I finally picked up my stuff from lances place. I was all teary eyed, so that was pretty hard. but im ok. and then last night i was talking to lance and joking around like friends, so im pretty happy about that. then today I was chillin with phil and we were just walking around because it was so nice out, and we ran into lance, joe and jesse. so we stopped and said hi and such, and I thought that the first time i saw him i would bawl, but i didnt which was a big surprise to me, and it wasnt akward, which was probably due to the fact that it wasnt just me and him, so i was talking to joe and such. so im glad that went well.
and i have a throat infection, yesterday i had virtually no voice what so ever. but its getting better.

I finally bought a dvd player, its so small and cute.
haha oh man, im pathatic.

my mom got a second interview, and shes the only one who did, and apparently they love her, so im really excited!!!
so after her first pay check, im going shopping down town.
im getting my tattoo filled in, get some new shirts, and some new shit kickers, which i need desperatly, mine are falling apart. but they lasted for a good long time. so yeah. hmm....
I dunno i think im actually running out of things to talk about....thats kinda scary.

Yay

Im in quite a good mood!
First of all, I'm getting off 1 of my meds, so now im only on 2!! YAY!!! and thats because we switched me to a new one, that is really good. and it has less side effects, and its safer, So no more hair falling out for me! now maybe it'll actually have a chance to become thick again. And a lot less expensive.
And then I'm actually talking to Lance again, and not just kinda talking, but actually talking like friends, Im going to be strong and go get my stuff on thursday.
AND I got to see my becks today!!! not to mention Jackie and Steve, so I was quite happy about that. I hadnt seen them in a long time.
then on friday night Jeffs having a party, oh yeah!! I get to see all my friends!!! it'll rock!!
then on saturday its amandas surprise party, which will be fun too.

As of today I worked 8 days straight.

the only bad thing is that I left my cell phone in my friends car. :(
So I dont know when I'll get that back.
Off to timmys with jen.

and im ok

alright, I'm ok
im actually pretty good right now.
last night was a little rough, but im doing much better today. And yes it happened for a reason, so no more break up make up shit.

not going to force myself to talk to him either. Im going to be fine.
We're over with and thats ok.
just gotta keep telling myself that im ok
im ok
im ok
im ok

and the truth comes out

ok so the truth is I miss lance so fucking much. I never did stop missing him. And I fucked up. I love that kid so much its scary. And quite frankly I just want to be with him. He made me so fucking delioursly happy. So what the fuck is wrong with me, honest to god. But ive done alot of thinking, and I realized that I took alot of my shit out on him. And im so fucking sorry that i did. He means the world to me.
so after I realized that, cause im a dumbass and didnt see it earlier. So a few minutes ago I e-mailed him, apologing for the crap that I put him through. And I asked him if he wanted to start over. completely new. and slow. and I really hope he says yes, although I doubt that he will. but theres nothing wrong with hoping right?!?
fuckme, I really fucked things up this time.
im such an asshole.
I havent cried so much or so hard in a long time. I dont know what else to say except taht im sorry, and i fucking miss him.
Im not telling anyone, if they happen to read it then great, if not then oh well.
im done putting my problems on the people I care about. I only end up screwing myself in the end.

Guilt trip

oh man
so last night was to say in the least, interesting....
and I feel like such an ass because of it!
oh man

oh and then theres lance who has really depressing msn names
the current one is

ImSorryThatYouCantUnderstandImSorry
ThisWasntWhatIPlannedAndImSorryThatImNotGoodEnough
AndImSorryThatIJustDontGiveAFuck

way to make me feel bad eh?!?

Just from reading his names make me want to start bawling.
It's pretty damn bad when....
anyway, trying not to think like that....

"A condom is the glass slipper for our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You "dance" all night, and then you throw it away."-----fighclub

Emotions Suck ass

Yeah I don't know about this whole lance dealy anymore. I thought I was doing ok, but then I was talking to hayley today, and lance was on, and i just started bawling. I guess im not doing as well as I thought I was. Either that or im getting really damn good at hiding my feelings from myself. Have I mentioned that emotions suck?!?! Well they do! Yeah his msn names are making me feel really bad, and yeah. I dunno I'm pretty sure that he's near hating me at this point, so it's proabably going to be quite a few months before we're even talking again. And I still have to go get my stuff from his place. $_$ grr. not looking forward to that. *sigh* I have a girlie in cali who's my rant chicka as shes going through something similar right now. So it's nice we support eachother. It's almost like we're in a support group, hahah.

So last night was fun, I went out with myke to timmy's. One of his friends showed up there with some people, so we went and sat with them for a while. then She threw an empty box of timbits at myke who was sitting across from her, and who happened to be sitting next to me. so myke throws it back at her and she bats it at him. well it was supposed to hit him, but instead it hit me in the forehead. So I was like " Nice to meet you too!"

Then we went and had some Captin Pepper, or Dr Morgans if you will, well not a lot, actually barely any, but it tasted good. We walked around while I waited for a friend to come pick me up. So we drove around, and I got attacked by his car.

Eww I can hear my cat throwing up...definalty not something I want to hear, but its worse to wake up too!

So me and my friend at work leanne, were joking around about how I could sneak into the Edge.
Apparently the bouncer on friday nights lets anyone in with tits . So we devised a plan. well Leanne came up with the plan. She's going to lend me one of her bras with 2 rolls of toliet paper to stuff with, then when I get in, I can just change. hahahaha, so thats our plan!

I just dyed my hair again. Its the same blackish red colour that I dyed it before, but last time it didnt take very well. but I love the colour, and it seemed to take pretty good this time, so hopefully it works!

" I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life, and not when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived." --- Dead Poets Society